Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?