“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
first you must answer his riddles