My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.