I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You Might Also Like
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.