Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
water it, i dare you
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”