i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
felt that
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.