*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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My dad teaching me to drive
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
This will never not be funny 😭
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.