temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven鈥檛 first seen 28 days
me working on my assignments ^-^
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I鈥檝e had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears