The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!