The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
You Might Also Like
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“Great, now I have to pee.”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?