[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children