Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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my first day as a raccoon
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
#parenting
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/