Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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sistine chapel
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins