me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.