Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.