*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“I’m helping” 😅
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered