[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?