My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.