STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward