My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Lmao
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Happy Caturday!