Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Saturday
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.