Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Salad is the decaf of food.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.