the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.