If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Cheers Twitter.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?