Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]