Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.