interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse