The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
New tinder profile pic
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.