Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
You Might Also Like
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl