I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.