8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.