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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.