WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters