Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”