Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Ugh but profoundly
My Guy
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.