You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.