My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I don’t think my car can fly
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
That took me a moment.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.