We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.