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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.