First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.