Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Worth the read.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
an octopus is just a wet spider
Before crowbars crows drank alone
bugs when you lift up a rock
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan