*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
What even happened today?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about