No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
good work, detective
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.