My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101