I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.