Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
He wanted to make sure😂
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..