Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work