Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.