Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
😬
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Breaking news:
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.