[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
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One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.